A Reflection of "Dealing With The Adversary" ~ An adaption of Charles C. Finn's "Dont Be Fooled By Me"

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without. But don't believe me...

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear and in loneliness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
Thats why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, and I know it. That is, if its followed by love. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself. That I am worth something. But I won't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh at me and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good, so I play my game, my desperate game with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing that is really everything, of whats crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen very carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what, for survival I NEED to say but what I CAN'T say.

I dislike hiding, honestly...I dislike the superficial game [ I sometimes have to play], the phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me...and [every once in a while I can, but it is not very often and sometimes this grieves me]... [ Sometimes I wish you would] hold out your hand, even when its the last thing I seem to want.

[Sometimes I think ] you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare and [spirit of indifference].[Sometimes I think] you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging... each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. [Imagine my pain each time those wings are clipped...]

[Sometimes I think] with your sensitivity, sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. [ Imagine my dissapointment when I am met with malice, contempt, and a "jocking of my style" or "theft of my idea" or I see you doing to me what others have done to you...yet I understand you don't even see it and I hold that disappointment inside]

I want you to know how important you are to me, how sometimes you [have taken part in the creation] of a person that is me... [Sometimes] you alone [have broken] down the wall behind which I tremble. [Sometimes you have released] me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. [ and sometimes you have sent me back.]

[I realize it has not been easy] A long conviction of worthlessness builds strongs walls...[ as does stolen ideas, being belittled, and being emtionally strongarmed...] The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls and in this lies my hope. [ Walls that need to be] beat down with firm but gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man and every woman you meet. [ Take care not to fool or kid yourself] With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Being Myself on Twitter

*sigh*, yup that’s the first thing that comes to my mind…a sigh. I enjoy the diversity of twitter. But there is something I learned over the past two weeks that has stood out in my mind. Everyone on twitter has a personal tweeting style for a reason. Sometimes that reason is to purge, sometimes it’s to have fun, and sometimes it’s because they have an agenda. I see people tweeting and I think, I wonder how come they tweet like that? I see people stop tweeting and I wonder how come they stopped? I pay close attention to the tweets of people I know and the tweets of people I don’t know…Yes I watch people on twitter and yes, I am sure other people watch me lol. Everyone has twitter moods, some days I feel like tweeting quotes…sometimes info…sometimes shoutouts…some days I want to tweet for others… I have good twitter friends, but something I learned about twitter this past week…you have to be careful that your tweeting experience does not become impure. What do I mean by that? Some people tweet aggressively so they can obtain a certain outcome, e.g. more followers, website traffic, personal/professional exposure, etc… and there is nothing wrong with that. I tweet aggressively sometimes, but typically when I do this I am either conversing…having fun by RTing my favorite tweeps….bored… working through a personal issue…or I’ve found some great info that I think other people might find useful. Impure tweeting to me would be if I was tweeting just so I could draw attention to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, if you tweet a whole lot…you will probably end up drawing some attention from somewhere…and this is ok, but there is a difference between getting the attention because it has come naturally and getting the attention because the attention was your goal. For me the attention was never my goal…my goal was to be able to become comfortable with tweeting and in order to do that I happened to need stuff to tweet. Now that I am at that place, I spend more time being more selective in my tweets not to mention cautious…not exactly sure how or when that transition occurred but throughout my process of learning twitter, I’ve come to realize there are many written and unwritten rules and I try and be mindful and respectful of those rules. I always try and keep in my mind being respectful of the feelings, attitudes and behavior of others, because I too want to be respected. I’ve developed a few meaningful relationships which really mean something to me and I value the content of those tweeters. I’ve somewhat picked up on the art of feeling people out…mind you I haven’t perfected this yet, sometimes I’ve been right, sometimes I’ve been wrong and there are some things where the jury is still out lol. I took a break for a few days because I wanted to sit and think about all that I’ve learned as well as what areas I hope to grow in as both a tweep and as a person, because in the end…I still just want to be able to be myself…People who spend time being other entities besides themselves often lose or become confused about themselves…this is not always a good thing.

“The surest way to fail is to aspire to an idea of perfection that doesn't even exist.” ~ Elizabeth Alraune

Words...Music...Journeys

Over the past few weeks I have posted and tweeted this video several times, I've read the words to the song...I've played it over and over in my itunes. Been wanting to blog about it for a while, but for some reason its like the words I wanna say...its like they just will not come to me. You should see me, I login to my blog, I turn on the song and I end up just sitting here listening to the song and playing the video over and over and over lol. Every time I watch this video and hear this song I think about how every journey has the potential to be attached to words and music.

When you look at the video, which btw is very funny yet intimate and real. The song is pretty yet message-filled... it demos the journey of casually walking up to your soulmate while preparing to cross a busy street and representing yourself as his/her other half... no frills, no big boom, no date...just folks wearing some words and moving along about their day lol...it demos how we use words to express idiosyncrasies as we journey through life...yes it is somewhat of a love song but to me it is much more than that...maybe I'll tell you why later...maybe not...as of yet, I just havent found the right words. lol

Kudos to my girl @NisaConstantine for playing this at her anniversary set and to @DeeJayClyde for heading up "Project Journey" which allows me to explore and examine my feelings about this a lil deeper lol, Hi5! ya'll...Check them out on the new Twitterchat and #Skype. <- Great places to communicate and converse! This RT says it all :) -> Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. Victor Hugo | RT @Iconic88 #quote #truth

Poetry is to philosophy what the Sabbath is to the rest of the week. ~A. W. William & J. C. Hare... I love poetry, I love words period. Today in addition to inviting you out to hear the spoken word in the game of secondlife on Sunday May 23rd from 7:00 to 8:30 PST, I would also like to pay tribute to my 10,000th tweet, which was a RT by the way→ Whatever your circumstances, never underestimate your ability to impact others.~ Aly & Andrea|RT @michelleflores .

My 9999 tweet YAY!, was the second and third sentence of this quote...→ One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. ~ Maya Angelou

Today is May 12, 2010

My Favorite Song on Repeat?

...that beautiful, magical, exquisite voice...the voice that reminds me of a light summer rain in the middle of the night when all is quiet...the voice that makes me feel as though I am surrounded by flowers in a field full of sunshine, to hear the laughter that spills is like a song to me. Not just any song, but my favorite song. The lullably that cradles me and makes me feel that everything is going to be allright. Makes me feel safe, protected and cared for. The song that quiets my spirit and seemingly sets me free from my worries.

The voice that is attached to that presence that excites me yet frightens me at the same time because it always seems to find a way to caress me in just the right place at just the right time. The one that sometimes pisses me off to no end, confuses me and makes me cry... yet still I can't imagine my life without because even when I am pissed off, confused and in tears... I am still fully captivated and held hostage by its overwhelming beauty...its passion...its sweetness...its purity...its rawness....its depth and magnitude. The pitches, the tones, the octaves, the laughter. Even as I sit and write I shiver with pleasure...lol, wow...That voice.

The voice that is attached to that brain and that body, that beautiful brain and exquisite body...The one that belongs to that beautiful spirit. The one that makes me see soft blends of colors mixed in with musical notes. The one that fills the room with the most beautiful aura of light with just a few short words and a quick hearty laugh, the one that makes me smile through my tears and envelops my spirit in warm tight invisible yet magically sufficient hugs from time to time. The one that has me sitting here, not wanting to go to sleep because it feels good to sit here and replay its relaxed, carefree sound in my head...lol *smile*...sigh... My favorite song on repeat...That voice.

#thingsthatmakeyougohmm

I am sitting here with my facebook and my twitter accounts open....walking across pages visiting memories of my social networking experiences (Facebook, Twitter, Secondlife) and listening to the song "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette which was posted by @sungoddess. Yesterday was Friday and on twitter there's this thing called #FollowFriday, I wish you could have seen me sitting here trying to organize all my tweets so I could send a reply tweet to each person who tweeted me...As of this current moment I am STILL at my reply threshold a.k.a. "Twitter Jail" lol.

So since I was in Twitter Jail, I walked on over to Facebook...at one point in my life...last year September through January...Facebook & Secondlife were my main focus. Secondlife and Facebook are cool places to meet people, but for some reason my ability to connect inside those spaces are a bit more awkward and difficult for me than they used to be. Wish I could say I didnt know why that is, but I do...I stuck my hand in some fire and I got a little bit burnt, but since it was me who stuck my hand in it I take full responsibility for being burned lol

None-the-less, I realize the burn has impacted my connection to those places in that I'm a bit more guarded when I go there, but I still have some really great memories. I write this because I wonder if with time my desire for participating in those places will return to its former glory...On facebook I used to love playing farmville and spades, sending out hearts/hugs/drinks/kisses etc., posting quotes/music, commenting on posts. I loved it! I remember how much I looked forward to it each and every day...now I'm like "gee, what am I gonna tweet about today and tomorrow? & whose tweeted me so I can tweet them also". Funny how things can change over time...#thingsthatmakeyougohmm

The story of DJ Dibou and @BlackSoulRhythm

"The Rhythm of a Queen - The story of DJ Dibou and @BlackSoulRhythm" on Black Soul Rhythms: http://ning.it/d85AqF